sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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