can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
