I cannot find my penis.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
