i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
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