I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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