haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Randomize
