Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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