I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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