I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
