What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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