Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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