Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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