You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
