a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
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