Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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