i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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