I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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