My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
