please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
