I accidentally had phone sex last night
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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