i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
