two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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