i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
