I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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