I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
