Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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