Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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