you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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