What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize