We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
