Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
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