my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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