Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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