Just cropdusted the office
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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