Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
