I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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