This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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