Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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