Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
