I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
