I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
