Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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