Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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