you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
