Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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