So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
