i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
