if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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