If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
