I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
