I'm pants shitting drunk right now
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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