8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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