I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
