Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
