No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
