he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize