please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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