I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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