If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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