I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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