My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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