Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i was born a porn star she said
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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